“Tonglen practice has to do with cultivating fearlessness. When you do this practice for some time, you experience your heart as more open. You begin to realize that fear has to do with wanting to protect your heart: you feel that something is going to harm your heart, and therefore you protect it. Again and again, in the Buddhist teachings, in the Shambhala teachings, and in any tradition that teaches us how to live well, we are encouraged to cultivate fearlessness. How do we do that? Certainly the sitting practice of meditation is one way, because through it we come to know ourselves so completely and with such gentleness.”
Excerpted from: Awakening Loving-Kindness by Pema Chödrön, pgs 113–114.
This is my friend Heidi. Heidi passed away on April 28, 2025, after a nine-year battle with breast cancer; she left behind two beautiful children, a life partner, and an expansive network of friends and family. Heidi was forty-eight years old.
I first met Heidi fourteen years ago. She generously donated her professional time and expertise to help our local daycare transform a dry and lifeless plot of land into a beautiful and joyful space for the children. The energy and enthusiasm that she brought to the project demonstrated her lifetime commitment to community and reflected her generous heart.
Seven years later, Heidi and I reconnected when she helped me transform my home garden. It was a massive project. I felt overwhelmed and unsure where to start. In a typical Heidi-way, she looked at me with her inquisitive eyes, and a wide smile and said, “Well, let’s just take it one bed at a time.” And so we did. We dug every new bed together, hauled endless piles of compost and dirt, moved and arranged plants. It was satisfying and exhilarating work. I will always remember it with so much pride and fondness.
During the two years that we worked together on the project, we both experienced divorce. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and Heidi was diagnosed with cancer. It was a difficult time, and yet, we immersed ourselves in transforming the garden, and shared many beautiful, meandering conversations on love, life and the universe. I will never forget Heidi’s unwavering ability to remain optimistic throughout it all.
Yesterday, I attended a celebration of life for Heidi at the Horticulture Centre of the Pacific: a magical place where she worked and taught at for many years. At least a hundred people came out to honour her life, with many travelling in from far away places. It was incredible to hear all of the stories, poems and songs shared. One by one, children, friends, family and colleagues came to the microphone and expressed gratitude for how she touched their lives.
A particular story that stood out for me was one shared by Heidi’s mother. She spoke of an experience during Heidi’s last days in hospital. After a particularly stressful incident, the two of them were left in the room alone, and her mother noticed a sudden shift in energy. There was an inexplicable feeling of expansive joy and ease. She looked at Heidi laying on the bed; and noticed she was smiling, with her eyes closed. When she finally opened them again, Heidi said, “Mom, I have seen what it looks like on the other side. There is nothing to worry about. It is so beautiful.”
Although Heidi’s physical body is gone, her spirit continues to live on in the gardens she planted, and the peoples lives that she touched. She was an extraordinary human being and I feel fortunate to have called her my friend.
A few months ago, I shared the Letters to Love project. It is a powerful practice and community started by Liz Gilbert. She recently shared one of her own letters and it deeply resonated with me. I wanted to share it with you and encourage you to explore more of her work on Substack.
Dear Love, what would you have me know today about finding a sense of calm?
Oh my dearest little jitterbug, what a sweet question! Where indeed can a body find a sense of calm? In this world? In this economy? Surrounded by these monkeys-dressed-in-human-garb? Sometimes it seems impossible, doesn’t it?
I can start by telling you that you aren’t going to find it out there. Your calm is not located in the outside world, nor does anyone else besides you hold the keys to it.
I mean, yes, you can find temporary fixes to a nervous body by reaching for things outside of yourself to settle you down, and heaven knows you have tried them all over the decades: prescription and non-prescription drugs, alcohol, food, mass media and social media, somebody else’s body or attention upon you, perfectionism, success, shopping, adventure . . . oh, my dear little twerky bean, the world has so much to offer you that will alter your nervous system. Yes indeed it does — and all you have to do to get it is pay through the nose, or beg, or hunt, or manipulate, or compromise and exhaust yourself.
But is that really what calm is? Really? Something you pay for, or barter for?
Why would we have designed you that way? Why would we have made it so difficult for you, such that finding a sense of ease in the world would require you to work so hard in the material realm? And why would we have made it so that your sense of calm is so fragile and fleeting that all it would take to disturb your serenity is for you to lose any of those temporary fixes that you have clutched at in order to settle yourself down?
Why would we have made you so DEPENDENT, when we love you so much?
Well, my dear, we didn’t. It’s all been a big misunderstanding. Your calm is not dependent at all upon what happens outside of you. You know this intellectually, my love, and you’ve certainly read enough spiritual texts to believe it to be the truth, but it’s time for you to know it in your body. And that’s what we are working on here.
My love, your sense of dis-ease and disturbance has always come from within you, but so does the remedy. Doesn’t that make sense? The same brain that can produce cortisol and adrenaline can also produce oxytocin and serotonin. If the trouble is within, then so is the fix. Doesn’t that sound like how nature works? It is how nature works.
And this should be incredibly good news for you, given that the world has become more unstable than ever. How dreadful it would be if you had to rely upon people, places, or things in the outside in order to feel okay on the inside. (How long are you planning to wait for that, by the way? For everything in the outside world to be put in order, such that you can relax? How’s that going so far?)
Why would we do that to you, when we love you so much?
My child, it is no accident that I have been telling you more strongly than ever that it is time to go within. Every day in our communion, I have been telling you that all the relief and connection you need are to be found within the autonomous nervous system that we have provided for you. That your moods and fears and indeed your HOPE does not need to be tied to anyone else, or anything else, ever again.
We have a plan for you. It involves things you already know how to do. It’s just a matter of your doing it with more love and commitment than ever. Meditate, my dear one — but I want you to sit for more time each day, and sometimes twice a day. Get married to meditation. All the answers you will ever need will be found in the space of meditation — including my voice. And remember — listening to my voice is the same thing as meditating. If you’re sitting quietly conversing with me, that is meditation. If you are writing letters from me, that is meditation. And if you are reading and responding to letters that I have written to others, that is also meditation.
So ask me to come and visit you, while you are sitting still and quiet. I will talk you through it. We will be together. I will tell you everything you need to know.
Your breath is my breath, sweetheart. We share the same breath. I am your breath. Which means that approximately 12 to 20 times a minute, I come to visit you, to replenish you, and to tell you how much I love you.
Your heart is my heart, child. We share the same heart. Now go there and roam. Your heart is our home. I’ll meet you there.
This is one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. The photographer filmed a time lapse sequence which captures the earth rotating. It is awe inspiring to witness the movement of our planet in this vast universe; and incredible to realize that this is taking place around us every moment of every day.
“Kindness comes from kin, highlighting the fundamental truth of our interdependence. Kindness connects us to the human family. A universal quality, kindness nourishes the heart, heals isolation, and brightens our lives. It sees the potential for good in all and serves as a potent guide for collective transformation.”
Your tiredness has dignity to it. Do not rush to pathologize it, or push it away, for it may contain great intelligence, even medicine. You have been on a long journey from the stars, friend. Bow before your tiredness now; do not fight it any longer. There is no shame in admitting that you cannot go on. Even the courageous need to rest. For a great journey lies ahead. And you will need all of your resources. Come, sit by the fire of Presence. Let the body unwind; drop into the silence here. Forget about tomorrow, let go of the journey to come, and sink into this evening’s warmth. Every great adventure is fuelled by rest at its heart. Your tiredness is noble, friend, and contains healing power… if you would only listen…
“Courage requires wisdom and compassion, two primary Buddhist values. Wisdom offers understanding and perspective, so that we don’t freak out when things go haywire. Compassion softens the heart, so that we don’t deny reality and pretend everything is ok. Courage also draws strength from self-compassion, which soothes us during difficult moments…
…But when our minds amplify a threat or simply imagine one, that evolutionary mechanism makes things worse, adding spin to an already tense situation. There’s a difference between feeling afraid and panicking or freezing. Discerning this difference is where contemplative practice shines. It takes courage to be with things as they are, to turn toward and be with the truth of each moment – pleasant or painful. Contemplative practice opens the door to more versatile, morally nuanced courage in meeting what is.
For courage is protective. The first step toward not succumbing to panic is recognizing what’s happening (a function of mindfulness) and stepping back (a function of wisdom). Courage begins with one moment of awareness and the possibility of taking a pause. We can ground ourselves in the present moment, breathe and bear witness to the discomfort of fear without letting it take over. The word courage comes from the Latin cor, for heart. It takes heart to meet life on its own terms, rather than through the illusions of safety, comfort, and predictability that we crave as humans. It takes a heart full of courage to face the truth and act in alignment with our values, just as it takes tremendous courage to look squarely into the horrific, violent history of racism, terror, land theft, genocide, and broken treaties in the United States.
History offers countless examples of humans mustering courage in extraordinary and deeply inspiring ways, often placing their bodies on the line to confront unjust systems…”
~ Excerpted from Your Heart Was Made for This(p. 90-91) by Oren Jay Sofer
“Think of meditation like a physical exercise. You wouldn’t start off jogging three hours a day, would you? Follow the same common sense. Start slow, gradually increase, and build yourself up. Develop meditation muscles. With time you’ll be able to sit for longer and longer periods. The problem is both physical and mental. If you force your body too much, it will simply be too painful–you’ll spend your entire session coping with the pain. If you force your mind too much, either you’ll feel burnt out or you’ll find you’ve been daydreaming for the last fifteen minutes of your meditation session.“
Excerpted from:
A Beginner’s Guide to Tibetan Buddhism: Practice, Community, and Progress on the Path by Bruce Newman
Last spring, I went with my sister to see Liz Gilbert speak at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre in Vancouver. I have been a fan of her work for a long time but I am equally as interested in her as a person. She explores the human condition in such a real, raw and authentic way. I appreciate her commitment to self-compassion, curiosity and vulnerability; and I was excited to hear her speak on this tour, not about a particular book, but rather about her reflections on how to live a good life.
It was a brilliant presentation and I took notes throughout. I thought you might be interested in reading through some of the wisdom shared.
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“What are you willing to give up to have the thing (life) you keep pretending you want? All of your time is being spent doing things other than what you pretend you want most (e.g. watching tv, going out with friends instead of writing). You aren’t prioritizing the thing you keep telling me is the most important in your life. Stop playing around or stop wasting my time. Focus. Do the work.”
~ Advice shared from the female artist in Liz Gilbert’s Lower Eastside neighbourhood. She was her unofficial mentor. This woman lived the life that Liz envied. This was a transformational moment for Liz when she realized she had to stop talking and start doing the work.
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“It’s all going to be all right.” ~ advice from Liz’s friend Richard from Texas
The most relaxed person in the world is the most powerful. They can see everything. They are present with the vast expansiveness of the situation. They see details and options that others cannot see. When you are anxious, you have tunnel vision. I do not want my last breaths on this beautiful earth to be stressful.
To be relaxed, you have to choose. You need to start by saying no to a lot of stuff that you really want to do. You only have one life. Don’t waste it.
To live a relaxed life, women need three things:
Priorities
Boundaries
Mysticism
Priorities:
Three most important words: I don’t care.
What do you care about? Who do you care about? It cannot be very much. There are a few things that I care about intensely. These are defined as my priorities.
Boundaries:
The great mythologist, Joseph Campbell, spent his entire life studying the religions of the world. He was asked, “What is the definition of sacred?” and “How do human beings make something sacred?” He responded, “It’s the simplest thing in the entire world, and you do not need a priest for it, anybody can do it. Here’s how humans make something sacred: You draw a circle around it and you say everything inside this circle is holy. It’s sacred because you said so. That is called a boundary, and a boundary is not a wall. A boundary is not something that you hide behind. A boundary is a golden circle that you draw around the things that matter to you, and you say everything inside this circle is sacred. If you treat it with respect, you are allowed to come in, but take your shoes off and bow because you are coming into the center of holiness here. And if it’s not, and it’s outside, then what do we say? We say, “I do not care.”
“Your sacred place is where you can find yourself again and again.” ~ Joseph Campbell
“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Women are taught to be servants to the world. To ignore their own needs. In order for women to step into the divine, they have to cultivate a sense of self. A man needs to do the opposite. They need to let go of self.
“I have no difficult people in my life. The world is a difficult place. I chose who I let into my life. I can think of no one who is entitled to be in it.” ~ Rachel Cargle
Mysticism:
Mysticism is defined as interactions between humans and the divine. Martha Beck interviewed a wide range of successful women. They all shared a common experience. “I heard a voice.” “I have a spirit guide.” “My ancestors spoke to me.” They established connection to a deeper level. They tapped into the base notes of divinity. An internal guidance system told them to: Trust this person. Take action now.
Thin places in the universe are created through experiencing deep suffering.
“There is a crack in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” ~ Leonard Cohen
Relax completely in the embrace of someone who is deeply fond of you: have faith in the vast and endless love of the divine.
“When we have got something for you to do, you will be notified.” Wait for the signal.
When you are actually needed, which is not very often, you will recognize it.
“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” ~ TS Eliot
Read something that feels sacred. Poets and poetry. Liz believes when poets die they leave the door to the sacred open. Reading their work provides access.
Two way prayer. Talking with love. It is a form of downloading information and listening to what love is saying to you.
Ask the divine one question in a journal a day: “Dear Love, what would you have me know today?” Use the sweetest terms in response – my beloved…my sweet…
“What is the best thing I should be putting my energy into?” Sometimes she asks herself several times a day.
“You will be notified when we have something for you to do.”
Take care of the animal body until the divine provides instructions. Pretend you are taking care of an animal that you adopted from a shelter, with utmost love and tenderness (e.g. drink water, take a bath, walk, meditate).
All problems are solved by walking.
Travel with a teddy bear. Care for the small and young part of the self with love and kindness.
Ajahn Chah says, “Whatever the mind tells you, do not fall for it. It is only a deception. Whatever negative comments and views it offers, just say “That is not my business,” every time, and let it go. More specifically, the Dalai Lama suggests, “With worry and anxiety, repeatedly cultivate the following thought. ‘If the problem can be remedied then there is no need to worry about it. And if there is no solution, there is no point in being worried because nothing can be done about it anyway.’ Remind yourself of these things repeatedly.”
Breath by Breath 