Joy Journal
Joy Journal #26: May 25-29, 2022
My two sisters and my niece came to visit us while we were living in Aix this spring. Our plan was to spend a few days together in the city and then head down to the coast to stay in a popular seaside village, Cassis. Our family had vacationed there fifteen years previously, so it holds a special place in our hearts. We booked our accommodation months in advance, as it was a school holiday, and a very busy time of year in France.
The night before we were to set out, the VRBO owner called to cancel our booking. No real explanation was provided. He just cancelled. Needless to say, it was very upsetting, and everyone was incredibly disappointed as my family had travelled all the way from Canada to return to this special place.
We started researching our options. We looked at hotels. AirBnb. VRBO alternatives. At first, it appeared that there was nothing, as most places were booked up. It looked like we were not going to be able to go. At the last moment, I reached out to one owner on AirBnB, and I explained our situation. It turned out that she had just joined the site, and her rental was not quite ready, but she was willing to make it available to us, due to the circumstances.
The house was located in Saint Cyr-sur-Mer, a charming little town on the Mediterranean. It had a pool and it was within walking distance of the ocean. The place was lovely and it actually surpassed our original booking with its amenities. We all felt very fortunate to have found it and we enjoyed our time there together immensely. During our stay, we took a day trip to Cassis to ocean kayak in the calanques, and we visited our special town.
Although it was a bumpy start to our vacation, the experience turned out to be very memorable and wonderful in the end; and this was entirely thanks to the kindness and generosity of strangers. #JoyBlogging
Watch List: “Normal People”
TED Talks: How Great Leaders Inspire Action
A Dignified Approach
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein
A close family member of mine is suffering and he has been suffering for as long as I can remember. The trauma and pain of his childhood has followed him throughout his life, and as it is unresolved, it is further amplified in his old age.
Over the many years of our relationship, I have tried to step in and ‘fix’ the situation. I have acted as his constant source of counsel and support, listening to his concerns and complaints. I have intervened and tried to ‘help’ him take action. And yet, the situation never changes, it never improves. It only swirls around in a deep, toxic mess: repeating and repeating and repeating itself. Upon reflection, I am not sure that anything I have done has ever really helped, it may have just enabled him to stay.
When discussing this situation with my counsellor, she wisely advised me, “You must allow him the dignity of his own suffering.” The dignity of his own suffering. What a concept. What does this mean? Firstly, he is a fully grown man and he chooses to remain firmly rooted in his current state. He stays where he is, and how he is, even if I cannot understand why. Living in pain is his place of comfort. I need to respect that choice.
Secondly, I am learning that it is not my job to ‘fix’ anyone or anything outside of myself. I need to remind myself stay in my own lane. As I wrote about a few weeks ago, I am a high-functioning co-dependent, which means that I have disordered boundaries. As a child, I was taught to become overly invested in the feeling states, decisions, outcomes, and circumstances of the people in my life; and this approach has been to the detriment of my own internal peace and wellbeing.
I recently made the difficult decision to step away from the dynamic described above. Not from the relationship itself but from my traditional role of enabler and confident. I set a strong boundary about what topics we can discuss and not; and rather than trying to find solutions, I am turning the question back upon him. “What do you think is the right thing to do?” I encourage him to trust his inner knowing.
It is hard, as we are learning a new way of being in relationship with one another, after spending over thirty years in the same dysfunctional dance. He does not like it and neither do I. I have to let go and watch him flounder. I worry that he will slip under the water but I cannot throw him a line. I have to trust in his strength and resilience. I must believe that he will swim, if given the opportunity: or accept the possibility that he may not. The bottom line is none of it is within my control. All I can do is keep showing up, holding my boundaries, and finding a way to love him and myself at the same time.
Joy Journal
Joy Journal #25: November 12, 2022
Now that the time has fallen back, and there are less hours of sunlight in the day, my friends and I are back to swimming in the ocean in the early morning hours. Rich in magnesium, seawater helps release stress, relax your muscles and promote deep sleep. Swimming in the sea has also been linked to stimulating the parasympathetic system which is responsible for rest and repair and can trigger the release of dopamine and serotonin.
Exposure to full spectrum sunlight in the morning causes our bodies to produce serotonin, which not only helps later on with nighttime sleep, but improves mood throughout the day. Bright lights have been used for a long time as standard treatment for seasonal depression. Outdoor light, even on a cloudy day, delivers considerably more lux than indoor light.
I love this special time with my friends. We always laugh a lot and it is a great micro opportunity to catch up on each others lives. Although I never want to go into the cold water (and it does not get easier), I never regret doing it. It makes my body and mind feel electric for the rest of the day. #JoyBlogging
Something to Inspire
“Stop trying to control other people. Stop it. I was at an event in Los Angeles, with my friend Cathy Heller, and we took a bunch of questions from the audience. I can’t stop thinking about this particular question from one woman. ‘How do you stop controlling your friends?’ You stop. That’s how you do it.
When you catch yourself trying to control someone, and then you let go of the desire to change them, and you redirect all of that angst and energy towards caring, listening, supporting: creating this reciprocal exchange of allowing them to show up, exactly as they are, you get connection back. Your attempt to block somebody, blocks connection. It blocks the exchange between people.
And here’s one more thing about letting go when it comes to relationships. Maybe, sometimes, the purpose that some people play in your life is simply to teach you how to let go.”
Things I Love: Iliza Shlesinger
Joy Journal #24: November 9, 2022
After having the rare and privileged opportunity to travel the world over these last few months, I realize that no matter how wonderful it is to be an explorer, nothing compares to coming home and belonging to a community. #JoyBlogging
“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been: a place half-remembered and half-envisioned. We can only catch glimpses of it from time to time. Community. Somewhere there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch on our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us. Eyes will light up when we enter. Voices will celebrate with us. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace we can be free.”
~ R. Garcia y Robertson, The Spiral Dance
Listen List: Mary Gauthier, “Mercy Now”
Heart Centered Learning: Meyers Briggs
The Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI) is an inventory designed to identify a person’s strengths and preferences. The questionnaire was developed by Isabel Myers and her mother Katherine Briggs based on their work with Carl Jung’s theory of personality types. Today, the MBTI inventory is one of the world’s most widely used psychological instruments.
I identify as an INFJ; this is an individual with Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging personality traits. Described as the “Advocate,” an INFJ tends to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things.
Over the years, I have found the information outlined in my detailed MBTI report to be incredibly helpful. It provides me with valuable insight into how I prefer to navigate the world, on both a personal and professional level; and it supports me with informed decision-making when faced with important life choices.
Something to Inspire
“Paying attention requires conscious effort. Your default brain activity is not attentive. Your inattentive brain is zoned out, daydreaming, on autopilot, and full of constant background, repetitive thinking. You can’t create a new memory in this state. If you want to remember something, you have to turn your brain on, wake up, become consciously aware, and pay attention.
Because we remember what we pay attention to, we might want to be mindful about what we focus on. Optimists pay attention to positive experiences, and so these events are consolidated into memory. If you’re depressed, you’re less likely to consolidate happy events or pleasant experiences into memory because happiness doesn’t jive with your mood. You don’t even notice the sunnier moments when you’re only focussing on the dark clouds. You find what you are looking for.
If you look for magic every day, if you pay attention to the moments of joy and awe, you can then capture these moments and consolidate them into memory. Over time, your life’s narrative will be populated with memories that make you smile.”
~ Excerpted from Remember by Lisa Genova
Breath by Breath 