I was recently talking with a friend. She spoke to the importance of cultivating a loving relationship with yourself before you can enter into a meaningful relationship with another. In other words, your primary relationship is with you. In order for the connection to be healthy and functional, you need to cultivate and nurture this friendship as you would any other: putting time and energy into the relationship each and every day.

Although this is a simple concept, it was a revelation for me. I have generally lived my life focused outwards. Helping others. Listening to others. Assisting others. I spend very little time checking in with me. This approach inevitably leads to burn out. I shift from being a high functioning performer to running on empty, without ever seeing it coming. This is a direct result of not listening to myself or acknowledging my own needs.

As a simple way to establish a connection, it was recommended that I start and end each day by checking in with myself: first thing in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. To place my hands on my heart and my belly and ask the questions, “How are you feeling? What do you need?” To listen and create space for the emotions and answers that come up: even the uncomfortable and difficult ones. To allow them just to be and try to meet them with kindness.

As the connection increases, you can start to take action on what you hear: “I need more rest”, “I need a hug”, “I am feeling lonely”, “I need to move my body more.” Taking action on these micro requests will eventually add up to a cumulative feeling of love and support: an understanding that someone always has your back.

It is easy to prioritize everyone and everything before yourself. What I am learning is that caring for yourself is essential to being able to love and care for others. The key is to make a regular practice of it and to commit to cultivating this relationship, as you would with any one else.