Befriending Yourself

I was recently talking with a friend. She spoke to the importance of cultivating a loving relationship with yourself before you can enter into a meaningful relationship with another. In other words, your primary relationship is with you. In order for the connection to be healthy and functional, you need to cultivate and nurture this friendship as you would any other: putting time and energy into the relationship each and every day.

Although this is a simple concept, it was a revelation for me. I have generally lived my life focused outwards. Helping others. Listening to others. Assisting others. I spend very little time checking in with me. This approach inevitably leads to burn out. I shift from being a high functioning performer to running on empty, without ever seeing it coming. This is a direct result of not listening to myself or acknowledging my own needs.

As a simple way to establish a connection, it was recommended that I start and end each day by checking in with myself: first thing in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. To place my hands on my heart and my belly and ask the questions, “How are you feeling? What do you need?” To listen and create space for the emotions and answers that come up: even the uncomfortable and difficult ones. To allow them just to be and try to meet them with kindness.

As the connection increases, you can start to take action on what you hear: “I need more rest”, “I need a hug”, “I am feeling lonely”, “I need to move my body more.” Taking action on these micro requests will eventually add up to a cumulative feeling of love and support: an understanding that someone always has your back.

It is easy to prioritize everyone and everything before yourself. What I am learning is that caring for yourself is essential to being able to love and care for others. The key is to make a regular practice of it and to commit to cultivating this relationship, as you would with any one else.

#NewYork2019

I just returned from a spectacular seven days spent in New York City. I visited my sister, as well as a very dear friend from art school, who I have known for over twenty-five years.

It was a fantastic trip. From the moment I arrived, it was go go go. Every day was filled with fun and adventure. I was fortunate enough to experience the city through the eyes of two natives and it provided a unique view into its many, diverse cultural offerings.

Some highlights included:

Aside from the joy that it gave me to spend quality time with two women that I cherish, I was amazed by the reminder of how friendship and connection can be maintained and cultivated despite geographic distance.

I see my sister a few times a year, and every time we are reunited, we pick up from where we last left off. My lovely friend Elise and I only have the opportunity to visit in person every five years or so but it is equally as effortless. This speaks to the resilience of deep heart connections.

This trip was a gift that I will always hold close: both for the unique and wonderful things experienced as well as for the reminder of how lucky I am to be loved and to love deeply.

Black and white…more often grey

Woman Makes Heart With Hands In Sunset. Healthy People  Lifestyl

People and relationships are complex. The brain naturally seeks to sort things into black and white categories: good and bad, right and wrong. This simplistic view is almost never accurate. There are too many shades of grey in the world. It really boils down to interpretation and personal preference.

It is important to see a person for their whole self: to note both their generous and self-serving attributes. To step back and pay full attention, over a long period of time, to what they say and what they do. It is all to easy to focus on one behaviour or the other; to paint a simplistic picture. This is a “good” person. This is a “bad” one. Humans, however, are not one-dimensional creatures.

We all have the ability to be both generous and selfish. Thoughtful and thoughtless. Both. And. The level of acceptability boils down to your personal boundaries and values. Over time, it is possible to learn to navigate the complexity of the grey: to choose the people that you bring in close and those you purposefully keep at a distance. To do this skillfully requires a willingness to both see and accept people, with all of their layers of complexity, not just a simplistic version that you create.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider signing up for my newsletter in the link below. I will send the best content right to your email, once a month. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

Desire Mapping

desiremap.jpg

This past weekend, I took part in a one-day Desire Mapping workshop, facilitated by my talented friend Jennie Alexis. We created a meditation alter and set positive intentions. We journaled. We wrote letters. We noted gratitude. We laughed – a lot. We ate good food and walked the beach. We created a despacho to honour Mother Earth Day.  It was a fun and transformative experience, enjoyed with some truly wonderful women.

The Desire Map process is intended to help you identify what you already have in your life, what you are grateful for, and where you are dissatisfied. You gain clarity on the root of your desire and create a map of how you desire to feel in five key areas of your life. You then work into identifying your core desired feelings (CDF).

The approach is simple but profound.  It flips the traditional goal setting paradigm on its head. Rather than creating another “to do” list based on what you want to achieve this year (next year, five years, ten years), this work focuses on identifying how do you want to FEEL in your overall life: each and every day. Every decision comes back to fulfilling your core desire feelings: asking yourself the question, “Will this action / decision make me feel….powerful, loving…etc?”

I really enjoyed my experience and I can highly recommend the workshop. It was exhilarating to work through this process with other like minded people. I left the experience full of clarity, as well as brimming with hope and possibility.  And, in case you are curious, my core desired feeling are: abundant; inspired; equanimous; divinely feminine; and nourished.

If you do not live near a facilitator, or prefer to do the work on your own, I encourage you to check out the book.

Desire on!

If you enjoyed this post, please consider signing up for my monthly newsletter in the link below. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.