“Stop trying to control other people. Stop it. I was at an event in Los Angeles, with my friend Cathy Heller, and we took a bunch of questions from the audience. I can’t stop thinking about this particular question from one woman. ‘How do you stop controlling your friends?’ You stop. That’s how you do it.
When you catch yourself trying to control someone, and then you let go of the desire to change them, and you redirect all of that angst and energy towards caring, listening, supporting: creating this reciprocal exchange of allowing them to show up, exactly as they are, you get connection back. Your attempt to block somebody, blocks connection. It blocks the exchange between people.
And here’s one more thing about letting go when it comes to relationships. Maybe, sometimes, the purpose that some people play in your life is simply to teach you how to let go.”
Anxiety has been my constant companion since I was a young teen. It is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worry and physical changes like a racing heart. It is a feeling of being in danger, without knowing exactly why. People who experience anxiety tend to have recurring, intrusive thoughts and concerns. They may avoid certain situations or experiences. Anxiety can be debilitating: convincing you that hiding in bed is preferable to facing the outside world.
Over the years, I have learned that being a highly-sensitive person is a super-power. It allows you to see, feel and experience the world around you more deeply and in technicolour. You tend to notice details, make subtle connections, and understand complexity. You also empathize deeply. All of this goodness also lends itself to anxiety. The gift is also the curse.
In order to live at peace with my anxiety, I have cultivated some tactics, and I thought I would share them with you.
I move my body every day. Whether it be yoga, walking, or a high-intensity strength class, it is essential to regularly sweat and stretch. Movement helps to break the anxiety loop and grounds me in the moment. It connects me to my heart and breath. Whether I want to do it or not, I move every day, often several times a day. It is always worth it.
What you fuel your body with is really important. Over the years, I have given up caffeine, as it makes my heart race and anxiety soar. Sugar is another ingredient to be avoided. Many major diseases that plague us—including cancer, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, depression, anxiety and Alzheimer’s—are linked to chronic inflammation. My naturopath recommends following a low-inflammation diet as a preventative measure and I have found it to be a very useful approach.
Creating a daily routine is a way to keep small promises to yourself. When you consistently show up, and follow through on your commitments, you provide yourself with a steady and reliable source of internal support. For some strange reason, I often experience resistance to doing the things that I love the most (exercise, meditation, writing, practising French) but if I scheduled time for the activity, and I follow through, I never ever regret it. Even if it is only for five minutes, it still counts, and it fills me up. The important thing is to be consistent.
Anxiety wants to be in charge. It tries to protect you by imagining every possible scenario: often the most negative and scary. This is futile. The reality is no one knows what is going to happen and it almost never unfolds in the way we think it will. It is important, instead, to sit with the discomfort caused by the unknown and create space for it to just be. Anxiety needs to be thanked for its service and offered appreciation for what it is trying to do, which is keep you safe; but it also needs to be taken out of the driver’s seat, and moved into the back of the bus, where it can relax, look out the window, and enjoy the view.
Aside from all of the personal practices that I have put into place, I am also fortunate enough to have the support of medical professionals. I have access to a skilled therapist. The amount of time that I spend with her varies, depending on what is going on in my life, but I am grateful to have her there as a reliable resource. Having a someone to talk to about my anxiety, and a safe place to share, is incredibly helpful. In addition, I take a low daily dose of anxiety medication, under the guidance of my doctor. Although it does not remove the anxiety, it provides me with a stable internal base, and it supports my overall capacity to cope and take care of myself.
This discussion would not be complete without acknowledging the incredible privilege that I possess to make these choices for myself, and access these resources, as a white middle-class woman. I do not face the trauma, systemic racism, poverty and abuse that many Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour (BIPOC) do each and every day. The anxiety that they experience is not even comparable.
Here are a few resources that I came across and thought worth sharing. The first is a short Instagram video from Mel Robbins. The second is a podcast from Rob Bell, with his wife Kristen, who experiences anxiety. Both women share a thoughtful perspective and some tangible tactics.