In my effort to live a healthy and creative life, I am learning to become intimately familiar with resistance. The more I move towards living in alignment with my heart, the more resistance shows up. It stands with its hands on its hips, demanding to know: “Who do you think you are?” It pushes me down the safe road, rather than the one that requires risk and growth. Sometimes it is vocal, opinionated and yelling in my face. Other times it is quiet, stealth and whispering in my ear.
Resistance does not want me to exercise. It is angry every time that I put my runners on at lunch time. It puts its heels down and starfishes its arms out as I move towards the door. It tells me that I am too tired or I need to finish my work. It encourages me to go out with a friend instead or give myself a break. My saving grace in those moments is the knowledge that that I never ever regret going and I always regret missing it. This becomes my mantra as I push past it and go.
Resistance tells me that I deserve to eat chocolate cake and drink wine when I am out for dinner. It taunts me, it tells me to loosen up and enjoy myself more. It can be very persuasive and charming when it wants to be. It likes to think of itself as the life of the party. When I wake up in the middle night with an upset stomach or a racing heart, it is nowhere to be seen. It is these moments that I can finally hear my body speaking and I am reminded why I choose not to eat certain foods for my overall health and well-being.
Resistance is dismissive of my desire to write and be creative. It lays a heavy blanket of sleepiness on my shoulders and it gently encourages me to crawl back into bed for some extra rest, rather than keep on trying. Or it laughs at my mistakes and awkward attempts, in an effort to shame me into giving up. It takes everything in my being to keep going: a trust in the knowledge that this is something I need to do. Even so, getting the words down on the page often feels like moving through mud. This is why it is so important to break the process into small, turtle steps so I can keep showing up. Once I find my flow, I am reminded of why I need to do this work, and how it fills me with joy.
As I become more familiar with resistance, I am realizing that it is not going anywhere soon. It is my constant companion on this journey; and the more I push against it, the harder the struggle becomes. I used to think that resistance got an automatic say in my actions and choices. Its voice is so loud and persuasive, it is hard not to give it a decision-making role. I am realizing now that this is not the case. I am ultimately in charge. The choice is up to me.
If resistance is here to stay, I have decided that the best tactic is to try and befriend it. It is attempting to provide me with information and play a role in my life. If I extend it some friendliness, it may be of assistance. I now see that the directions it provides me can be helpful. I just need to reconsider how I interpret them. When resistance shows up, it provides me a clear road map of where to go. I just need to take its advice and head in the opposite direction. It really is that simple.
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